Why I Can’t Write
Actually, it’s more than just writing, creative pursuits of all kinds seem so hard. We all go through this, and it’s not about planning or discipline or a system, it’s about vulnerability, plain and simple. I’ve been writing for a long time now, in fits and starts, thousands of titles and paragraphs — all seeded with enthusiasm that fades and turns into unfinished works. Too hung up. Is it good enough? What will others think?
I never could take Anne Lamott’s advice of writing a shitty first draft and worrying about polishing later, a little polish has to be built in with me. I write I stop, I question, I accomplish nothing. I took up writing music for a while. Learned to play some guitar, got into a meetup group, and actually played original compositions in front of others. It didn’t last. I was too self-conscious, too worried, too petrified by the need to be good. Too afraid to reveal my feelings and emotions.
Anything I did felt contrived. Trying to find the perfect topic, trying to be brilliant or funny, trying too hard to write to impress, and having no chance of succeeding because I can’t get out the real me. We can’t express what we really think. We can’t reveal what we really feel, we’re afraid of judgment. Exposing your soul puts everything on the line. Revealing what you think about to partners, coworkers, family, and employers is risky business. It takes a leap. Leaping is hard. There is no net.
There are a lot of compositions that reveal little. Self-help works feature the lists — the five keys to happiness, the top three secrets to productivity, the best ways to lose weight and find true love. These are helpful but vocational, not emotional. Emotion is hard and personal, it’s all you. It’s hard to get out, you’re laying it all on the line. My fears are the same as yours, take solace in knowing you’re not alone.
I’m vulnerable, you are too. What will people say when they know what I really think? We’re guarded. Being guarded is the kryptonite of creativity. Creativity flows, guarding stops, it creates barriers that we can’t get past. We can’t take the leap. We’re trying too hard and hiding too much.
There are no easy answers or bullet points to success. I’ve looked. Getting yourself out on paper, revealing your secrets and vulnerabilities, it takes faith. It’s a big world. Whatever it is you are feeling or going through has been experienced by others. We help others when they know that they’re not alone. Pent up emotions need to come out, writing, art, music, they’re all the same. Fearlessness sets your feelings free and gives others comfort as they relate. We all have secrets, vices, embarrassments, and ugly chapters. We cannot have freedom until we stop being afraid to express. We have to reveal without fear, it’s how we get to write.
