Seeking Love, Happiness, and Deeper Meaning in my Amazon Cart
I have always hesitated when it comes to sharing my personal quirks. With any kind of creative endeavor, be it writing, or making art, there comes the risk of vulnerability as one reveals their own dysfunctional idiosyncrasies. Will writing about my weird personal habits, vices, and foolish behaviors make me even more isolated as those who know me say, wow, he really is different, avoid at all costs? Even more important, are my behaviors and actions unique to me? Perhaps, but probably not, I’ve come to know that usually there is a cohort of people out there just like me, who can relate to the same things.
Perhaps through revealing my own irrational behaviors, I am providing some kind of psychological comfort food to others; we all need a sense of belonging after all, even if its with fellow misfits.
I originally wanted to title this story something sporty like “The Key To Happiness In Five Easy Steps,” but I decided that I don’t like the idea of overselling. There are no easy steps to significant life changes, just incremental realizations and baby steps towards self-improvement. By now we know that happiness, productivity, the cure for procrastination, or finding your life’s purpose is probably not going to come instantly and magically from an article in Medium. Don’t get me wrong, there are many great stories and suggestions on this platform, but on any given day they can come off as emotional self-help click-bait; full of promise but impossible to initiate when your head is in the wrong place. No one can promise absolute solutions that work in all cases, and my goal is to share observations about myself and hope that it will help others. A laugh, a grin, a realization, or a bond that tells you there is someone else like you in the world — that’s all I am after.
I think that happiness can come from personal honesty, and it helps if we can be more self-deprecating and appreciate our idiosyncrasies for what they are, it’s a first step towards self-love.
So why the title? What does my Amazon cart have to do with love, happiness and finding deeper meaning? First of all, I will warn you that I am cleaning today. Sometimes when I feel directionless, I get into full nesting mode, that is I organize and clean my space, in this case, it is my office, the space in my home where I write and play. A good clear out can be therapeutic, its the pure manifestation of the idea that I am really going to get my life together, so I’ll get rid of clutter and dust. This is not a Marie Kondo disembowelment of my life, I’m not yet ready for anything that extreme, my clear-out is more of a westernized materialistic exercise in futility.
It’s impossible to totally pull your life together on any given day, but at least in vacuuming, dusting, and organizing you can fake yourself out enough and begin to feel like you are really turning things around.
For all the benefits a clear-out and clean up can have, it can also be the time for deep reflection. Look at all of this stuff. I remember when I ordered most of these things, they were totally going to change my life. The three Moleskins on my shelf, I was really going to start journaling when I ordered those, but then I didn’t have the right pen, so I had to get that as well. When that pen came, and my space was perfectly cleaned up and organized I’d get down to some really creative stuff. After all, they always show the real cool handwriting and sketches when advertising those Moleskins, so if I have the right setup, I can be just like that. I remember tracking my Moleskins on UPS, Las Vegas to Chicago, then down the Ohio Turnpike right to my house. What if the truck or train got into a wreck? Would my order be delayed?
There is a thrill in waiting for an “Out For Delivery” order status update, it represents peak joy in modern online materialism. All is right with the world when delivery is imminent.
Just beyond the Moleskins on my shelf were the self-help books, How To Get My Act Together, How To Pay Down Debt, How To Make Money Blogging, Great Grilling Secrets, How To Lose Weight, How To Play Jazz Guitar, How To Be Successful, How To Be More Confident, and more. Admittedly, I lost interest in many of these works on or about page 5, some I didn’t even open thinking that merely through the act of possessing I could somehow find the magic promised in the reviews. If Jane P. From Omaha wrote that this book turned her life around, why not me? Self-help books are the opioids of the common masses, and I think the fact that they far outsell novels reveals that we are either a society bent on self-improvement or are just plain unhappy with who we are at some level. Maybe just having the book helps, but then again I may not actually read it because I am not going to stop altogether eating carbs, move to a cheaper cellphone plan, or learn all of the notes on the fretboard.
Sometimes self-help books are too hard in real life, but the promises made on the covers are irresistible and interwoven with a “maybe this time I will do everything the book says and really will turn things around” narrative.
Opening my desk drawers reveals electronics, ah yes, the perfect earbuds — I knew I could really relax and get into music more if I had them — at the time I really needed these earbuds. I remember that I was so excited when I ordered them, plus Amazon said I could wear them for workouts! I was going to start running more and listen to more audiobooks making me a more fit and attractive person all at the same time! The guy wearing the earbuds on Amazon looked so incredibly together, and I thought that I could be like that, this purchase was a no brainer and would contribute to my own personal development. Under the earbuds, there is the phone case that I needed but couldn’t use because it was just not right in my pocket and it had a scary logo like CellSkull or something on it that didn’t suit who I am. Under the phone case were the various bits and pieces of electronica and associated cables that come with everything, perhaps symbolic of something more profound, unorganized, tangled, and disconnected.
The wild thing is that for all of the digital detritus in the drawer, I still can never find the charger cord I need — at least until I order a new three pack and find six more cables on the same day.
On my other shelf were the supplements, Gain Strength, Lose Weight, Increase Endurance, Calorie Burner, Fat Burner, Memory Improver. The only thing these all had in common was some weird plant that had Root as part of its name. I had read that there were obscure civilizations that have used this Root stuff for years, and although these societies never developed language or communication skills, I was still eager to turn myself around with as little work or discipline as possible, and I thought the Root in Memory Improver could do it. I’m not sure if it was the same Jane P. From Omaha but again, but the reviews were good — at least the ones I wanted to see. There was the one guy who gave the Memory Improver a one star, but he was an obvious outlier, it was going to work for me. Look, pal, I can’t help it if UPS messed up your shipment and then you thought the pills did nothing, I mean who is the rational one here? Clearly, the one-star guy is wrong. I couldn’t wait until those pills came because finally I was going improve my mental acuity, become more interesting and sharp as a tack — then I’d get the respect I deserve. Maybe I’ll even get one-day shipping.
If every journey starts with the first step, it stands to reason that just clicking on the order now button represents progress right?
So this is my revelation, in modernity its not the stuff that matters — I think instead it is the act of ordering, then tracking the progress of the next thing that holds out some hope for a minute of satisfaction. We all know that material goods and online snake oils aren’t going to bring long term happiness (although I still contend that next time it will be different). As I load up boxes of stuff that I no longer use or barely used and get ready to take it to the local Goodwill drop off point I’m wondering if it is not smarter to have Amazon ship directly to Goodwill. I can still have the fun of clicking the order button, and tracking the progress, I can still experience the thrill of knowing I am taking the first step in this crazy world of logistics.
The act of ordering is always an exciting leap of faith, but everything begins to go downhill when the box is opened.
That cell phone stand looked much nicer in the picture. It’ll do but it is not quite perfect but its a hassle to return it so I’ll keep it for now.
They say that the first step towards help is realizing that you have a problem. Perhaps it is dysfunction or even better maybe just an enduring sense of optimism and hope, that this time I will find love, happiness, and deeper meaning in my Amazon cart. I know its never worked before but did you see that new desk lamp with the high-productivity bulb? This really could turn things around for me, I could really get down to writing if I had that.
